In a disturbing turn of events during last night’s Philadelphia Phillies game, the Phillie Phanatic was kidnapped in what police believe was a Pokémon Go-fueled case of mistaken identity.

In the middle of the seventh inning, during the “Phanatic Dance,” the Phillie Phanatic was attacked by a group of adult men, all wearing cargo shorts and graphic t-shirts, and forced into a large, round container.


Authorities have linked the Phanatic’s abduction with his uncanny resemblance to Phanatico, the extremely rare, legendary Pokémon, who also happens to be furry and green, with a giant cone-like nose.

“We believe the men who kidnapped the Phanatic were playing Pokémon Go and mistook the mascot for one of those weird Japan-amation mongrels from the game,” said detective Rick Belton. “Our hope is that they will either release the Phanatic upon realizing his true identity, or they will friggin’ grow up and stop playing video games.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.