Ladies and gentlemen, these are not pants you WEAR. These are pants that you ROCK SO FREAKING HARD.

For more than a decade, Michael Phelps’ gold medal collection had been stupidly collecting dust behind a glass case in his house. You could only look at them. That’s dumb, we can all agree on this point.

But last night? Everything changed. They turned into pants. WHAT? I know, I had the same reaction.

Every four years, there’s an “Anything But Clothes” party in the Olympic Village. The athletes are encouraged to get creative, wearing bedsheets, pizza boxes, trash bags, and anything else they can find. It has always been Phelps’ dream to wear gold medal pants to this party, but he never had enough hardware to fill out the outfit without getting arrested for indecent exposure. Until now.

“I worked with several talented designers to create something I could wear in London in 2012, but no matter what we tried, either my dong or my butt was exposed,” explained Phelps. “I said, ‘Hey. Good try, but I’m not going out there with my dong or my butt exposed.'”

“But now,” he added, as his gold medal count continues to balloon in Rio. “No one can see my dong or my butt at all, because I have so many gold medals.”

Shh, the designer told me that he used one of Simone Biles’ gold medals to shore up the butt part of the pants.

The pants are expected to be sold at a charity auction today for over $150.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.