Brett, hey. It’s me, Michael Phelps, the swimmer. Got a second to talk?

I just told the people of Earth that I’m retiring for maybe the 27th time. But I think I might randomly decide to un-retire six days before the 2020 Olympics. But then again maybe not. It’s really all up in the air (or all down in the water for me, because I like swimming!).

I guess my question is: how did you retire and unretire and then re-retire so many times without a single person getting mad at you?

There was a period of time (what felt like it lasted about 10 years) where you called it quits and then just showed up for practice every week like nothing happened. And to this day, every single Packers fan has nothing but loving, positive things to say about you. You’re the Larry David of football!

I mean, Larry did a few seasons of the excellent show Curb Your Enthusiasm for the cable channel HBO, and then he stopped, and then he decided to make another one, and then he stopped, and then he did another one, and I think his plan is to keep doing this kind of thing forever. Do fans complain? No! They just want more Curb. I know I do! That show is so great. Do you think they improvise the whole thing? There’s no way that all of those intricate situations are completely improvised, right? But maybe the individual scenes themselves are improv, after Larry outlines the specific objectives of the scene for overall plot purposes.

Anyway, I’m totally getting off-track. I love swimming, and I really don’t think I have any professional skills other than swimming and practicing swimming. I don’t actually want to retire, but you have to wake up so early and pools are so cold. So, I guess what I’m really trying to say is: do you have Larry David’s number?

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.