The USC Trojans are off to an abysmal 0-3 start to this football season, and they are desperate for some help. Turns out they won’t find it in Seattle. Pete Carroll has asked USC’s AD to please stop calling him.

“How did you even get this number? I just changed it,” said a frustrated Carroll. “No, Lynn [Swann], I have told you a hundred times, I’m staying in Seattle… No, you can’t ask me for advice… No, I will not fly down to run a few practices. I’m hanging up.”

Carroll then put down the phone, letting out a sigh and muttering “unbelievable.” The Seahawks coach, who led the Trojans to two national titles, opened his email, where he found dozens of emails from USC boosters and football staff, at which point Carroll simply buried his face in his hands.

“These people are relentless,” murmured Carroll. “I’ve blocked their numbers. I’ve changed my own. They always find a way to contact me. Don’t they get I have a job to do here? Please leave me be.”

The next day, at Seahawks practice, skywriting appeared overhead reading, “Call me Pete! All the Best, Lynn.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.