Invoking a little-known UFC bylaw from the 1880s, recently-defeated Conor McGregor must cede control of his intimidating carnation-hued button down shirts to victor Nate Diaz.

“It doesn’t even make sense,” a distraught McGregor said after the fight as he packed up “Ol’ Pinky” and “Bubblegum Bingo” into a ceremonial trunk. “They’re tailored for my usual weight class!”

No word yet on whether Diaz will wear the shirt acquisitions to future UFC matches, but legally he must accept them and store them in his place of residence at a temperature that will not adversely affect the fragile fabric.


“Oh I’ll wear ’em; I’ll wear ’em all,” Diaz salivated. “Because the various shades accent one another, providing my wardrobe with an unexpected yet delicate color palette that I think others will find quite… striking. Pardon the pun.”

Diaz then took a long, deliberate pull from a corncob pipe and adjust his post-fight fedora before smirking his way into the poetry salon he was hosting.

 

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.