Following the announcement of Eli Manning’s benching, the Patriots held a short ceremony during practice to honor their longtime rival by “retiring” the scout footage they had on him, as well as the secret playbooks they had stolen from him over the years.

“As a competitor, this is really upsetting,” said Tom Brady. “Those playbooks still had a lot of up to date information in them, and now we have to find a different way to cheat — I mean, prepare for future matchups with the Giants.”

Most teams keep in-depth scouting reports on all the quarterbacks they face, but the Patriots are known for going just a bit further, borrowing playbooks and having assistant coaches incept opposing players into running the plays they want.


“Inception didn’t work too well with Eli,” said Bill Belichick. “The first layer of his mind is just a giant foam pit. We lost a lot of good coaches to that pit. Anyway, that’s why we stuck to just steaking — I mean, borrowing his playbooks.”

The playbook retirement ceremony was cut short when the new shipment of playbooks for all the other starting quarterbacks arrived.

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