Sunday’s Patriots game at Gillette Field was delayed for more than twenty minutes as a streaker broke loose and eluded the New England defense, eventually running for a record 300 yards. The streaker, a 51-year old man from Roxbury, made several quick moves that had the Patriots defense completely flummoxed.

The streaker eluded several Patriots, running up and down the entire length of the field three separate times. He then ran into the tunnel where he was finally tackled by police. To add to the embarrassment, several Patriots players were called for an illegal “hands to the face” penalty after it was over.


“He was fast. It’s just a fact: guys run faster when they’re naked. I know this first-hand,” said Bill Belichick. “But our defense needs to get tougher. I think last year’s defense would’ve held the streaker to less than 100 yards.”

The streaker spent the night in prison, and upon release, he was immediately signed by Miami Dolphins for $45 million.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.