Human tenants of the Olympic Village are growing increasingly uncomfortable as the equestrian horses onsite are in the midst of a sweaty, stinky fuckfest.

“Neiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh,” said British equine Billy The Biz as he thrust repeatedly into an unidentified mare. “Neiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.”

Given the peak physical condition of all horses in the Olympics, the city of Rio anticipated that the village could transform into a straight-up lube tank for a bang bash.


“We have gone to great lengths to encourage a safe and enjoyable fuckfest, and have supplied these horses with 10,000 horse condoms for their horse cocks,” said IOC chairman Thomas Bach. “However, the equines have already used up the entire supply. I am very impressed.”

Upon visiting the Olympic Village, the EPA condemned the horse dorms as the “single biggest biological hazard in Rio, and all of South America.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.