President Obama and his staffers have confirmed that they are sick and tired of picking up Bryce Harper’s home run balls that have landed on the White House lawn.

“It’s getting to be a real pain in the you know what,” said Obama, walking over to gather a couple stray baseballs out of the Rose Garden. “Dang kid has become a real nuisance. When he takes batting practice it sounds like it’s hailing. I have to head down to the bunker just for some peace and quiet.”

Harper watching a home run approach Pennsylvania Avenue (Getty)

Harper watching a home run approach Pennsylvania Avenue (Getty)


The constant barrage of home runs has also been a challenge for the Secret Service. Agents have been issued “Tactical Baseball Gloves” or “T.B.G’s” to safely escort Obama while moving around the grounds. Additionally, the Service is still figuring a way to make sure the aerial defense system isn’t being repeatedly triggered.

“I’ll tell you what, he’s lucky all the windows are bullet-proof or he’d be getting a pretty hefty bill from us,” said Obama. “If he dents my helicopter, though, that’ll be the last straw.”

White House sources confirmed that the only one who seemed pleased with the current situation was Bo, the Obama’s Portuguese Water Dog.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.