43-year-old Florida Panthers right winger Jaromir Jagr is still playing hockey for one reason and one reason only: his mistaken belief that he has yet to fulfill the requirements to receive his pension.

“I will keep working until my future is secure, and I will be taken care of in my later years,” said the aged winger. “I was born behind the Iron Curtain; I am not afraid to work hard.”

Sources say that perhaps a clerical error resulted in Jagr’s confusion. The NHL requires 160 games played to receive the pension, not the 1,600 that sources have heard Jagr quote in the past.

“Nothing will stop me now,” said a defiant Jagr, who recently had his two front teeth knocked out by an errant stick. “I have come so far, put my body through so much, and spent years away from my dear town of Kladow, but it will all be worth it for the peace of mind financial security brings.”

At press time, Jagr was in a rage after learning that his NHL retirement benefits would not include vision coverage.

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