Sure, the box score will say that Team USA dominated Nigeria in its final tune-up before the 2016 Olympics, winning by 44 points. But the true success of the night? Members of the American squad collectively donated over $23 million in order to save their opponents’ princes from unlawful imprisonment.
“We had all heard about the email scandals growing up, of course,” said Team USA center DeMarcus Cousins. “But when you’re going for a rebound, and Chamberlain Oguchi tells you how little it would take to get these beloved monarchs out of jail, it’s pretty compelling.”
“I mean, let’s say — God forbid — Sasha and Malia Obama were thrown in jail by some nefarious, anti-establishment lunatics,” posited guard DeMar DeRozan. “And just a few shekels from our Nigerian friends could free them. Wouldn’t you send them a email plea for help? I know I would. It just makes sense.”
Despite Team USA coach Mike Krzyzewski’s urging not to “fall for” the Nigerians’ sincere requests, no fewer than five princes were released from their jail cells utterly unharmed as a direct result of the evening’s monetary transactions. The princes released a statement acknowledging their intent to pay back the generous bail donations by the start of the Olympic Games.
“This is what the Olympics is all about,” said forward Carmelo Anthony. “There’s too much selfishness and demonization of ‘The Other’ in the world today. We need to reach across the aisle, or the Atlantic Ocean in this case, and donate all of our money to any email that feels remotely legitimate.”