When the world’s biggest superstar makes himself available, you scramble into action immediately.

After LeBron James noted that it’s his dream to own an NBA team one day, dozens of billionaire owners around the NBA owners began the delicate and complex process of wooing the reigning Finals MVP to replace them at the top of their franchises.


“I’ve had a blast as the Mavericks owner, winning a title for the great fans of Dallas,” noted the always outspoken Mark Cuban. “But if we can get LeBron? My God, what a no-brainer. I’d quit tomorrow!”

So far, LeBron has agreed to meet with as many as 12 teams to hear their pitches. The current ownership groups will each be given 30 minutes to deliver a PowerPoint presentation that describes their team’s future prospects, compensation packages, and whether or not LeBron will be allowed to bring on Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, and Chris Paul as in-perpetuity front office assistants earning 20 million dollars per year for doing nothing besides planning their next group vacation.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.