I’m dead last in my office fantasy football league because apparently you’re supposed to draft players from the National Football League and not fictional humanoid creatures known for aggression and strength, popularized in the Tolkien universe. Now you tell me.

I was so excited when the fantasy football league was announced because I’m the office expert on all things orc, elf, hobbit and goblin. I chose to draft only orcs because they are brutish, a quality I understand to be useful in American Football. But, apparently, because fantasy football is scored based on the performance of NFL players, it would have been better to draft a Dak or a Gronk (and they make fun of the names in my Lord of the Rings books?!).

I’ve asked if the victories of orcs in my fan fiction can count toward my fantasy football team’s score and everyone said no, even Meghan to whom I loaned one of my copies of The Hobbit. They said they would let me trade some of my players, but I don’t know which real football players are the mightiest. I’ve asked for an official player’s handbook, but apparently no such thing exists or, as Meghan says “not how you’re thinking.”

I guess I’m out $80. Well, for now my Doctor Who Pop Vinyl collection will just have to suffer.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.