Mike Conley broke two records early in this year’s NBA free agency: agreeing to the most lucrative deal in NBA history and making the world’s fastest transition from underrated to overrated.

“My head is spinning right now, man,” said Conley shortly after the news broke. “Yesterday, I was a perennially underappreciated point guard from a small market team, now I’m an overpaid fat cat who will be the target of mountains of scrutiny.”

Sportswriters, who have long extolled Conley’s virtues, were already taking to social media to turn against the Grizzlies star.


“Mike Conley would be the first person to tell you Mike Conley isn’t worth $153M,” said one sports columnist, who once posted a 2000-word piece on why Conley’s absence from an All-Star team was a crime.

Conley, for his part, confirmed that when you are making $30M per year, people’s opinions of you start to seem a lot less important.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.