People don’t realize how much of our lives we athletes devote to our pursuit of greatness. For years – decades, really – I’ve spent hour after hour fully immersing myself in the sport of swimming. More literally, I’ve spent hour after hour immersing myself in water.

After this year’s Olympics, I’m done. For good. With swimming, and with water.

I will not swim, even casually at a pool party or lake. I will not shower, and I will not bathe – though I will apply Gold Bond Body Powder in perpetuity. Have you tried that stuff? My speedos are practically caked in it.


Anyways, I will not drink water – nay, I will only suck on celery. If you’re wondering how I’ll survive without water, you’re forgetting that I am Michael Phelps. If you’re hoping to argue that by sucking on celery, I am in fact drinking water, I’d like to politely remind you that I am Michael Phelps. Science does not apply.

It’s actually pretty amazing – and honestly, unfortunate, given that I’ve already committed to this whole ‘no water’ thing – how many ways human beings use water on a daily basis. I will not use any electricity produced by hydroelectric power plants. I will not use modern day plumbing. I will not participate in water balloon fights (sorry, Chris). And I will not smoke tobacco from a tobacco water pipe (sorry, Chris).

In the truest sense, I will become a man of the land. Perhaps even a man of the sky! Have we figured out human flight yet? No? Give me a few years. Remember – I am Michael Phelps.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.