Argentinian superstar Lionel Messi has announced his retirement from international soccer competition in order to focus on the next phase of his career: shanking field goals at crucial moments for the New York Jets.

Messi has earned acclaim as one the greatest soccer player in the world, yet he believes he can become the unquestionably greatest gut-puncher in Jets history.

“I can be the man who has led to the most pre-mature New Jersey baldness,” said Messi through a translator. “I truly believe that I can lead Gang Green to a 28-30 deficit against the Patriots before missing a 33-yarder with no time left.”

Argentinian legend Diego Maradona praised Messi’s surprise announcement, noting his love for American football because “you can touch the ball with your hands whenever you want, just like in the sport I played for so many years.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.