Marshawn Lynch, speaking through an interpreter, announced that he is sticking firm to his plans to retire, and that his retirement home happens to be a literal Skittles factory.

In a lengthy, and somewhat adversarial, interview with Sports Illustrated, Lynch seemed agitated when asked to repeatedly confirm that he was choosing to live in a factory and not an actual home. “It’s a factory. It’s a factory. How many times do I have to tell y’all? I’m gonna live in a Skittles Factory. Damn.”


“We’re excited and a bit confused to have Mr. Lynch staying in our newly-built Oakland facility,” a representative for Skittles said, confirming the report. “Per Mr. Lynch’s purchase agreement not only is he the permanent tenant, but he also has first refusal rights to every skittle produced here.”

“I literally offered to show him 30 other places. Mansions! But, he had his mind set on the Skittles factory,” said Lynch’s realtor. “That place doesn’t even have a bedroom. I think he sleeps on a cot near the assembly line.”

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.