The Miami Marlins have relieved Barry Bonds of his hitting coach duties after a disappointing first season in which not a single Marlin hit 73 home runs.

“Barry failed to meet our very modest expectations. It’s not like we expected him to teach all of our players how to hit an all-time record 73 home runs in a single season,” said Marlins president David Samson. “But for not a single player to reach that milestone? That’s simply unacceptable.”

“You know, I asked Barry over and over again: ‘what’s your secret?’ How can I hit 73 home runs in a single season too?” said Marlins second baseman Dee Gordon, who has hit just 9 home runs in his six-year career. “And he was all like, ‘don’t be 5’11, 171 pounds. Not helpful at all.”

Bonds, however, disputed the team’s claims.

“I absolutely shared all my secrets,” he said. “It’s just that my ‘secrets’ are considered ‘contraband’ and aren’t ‘allowed’ in the ‘clubhouse’ and could result in a ’suspension.’ Whatever, though. Squares.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.