Guys, I am so grateful for this opportunity to be the starting quarterback for the defending Super Bowl champions. Moreover, I look forward to welcoming our rookie QB Paxton Lynch and mentoring him through– oh wait, he seems pretty ready to play.

I’ll just head over to the bench.

As I was saying, I’ve really grown into a leader from the bench over these last few years. Teammates and coaches alike have told me that my steadfast presence on the sidelines is a solid pillar around which success can be built.

Now I plan to support Paxton with all I’ve got. After all, why shouldn’t he play? He has nothing but bright sunny future ahead of him right now.

I remember when I was in that position. Anything was possible. Now I’m just veteran backup with a low ceiling, pushing 30, stupid butt-fumbling Sanchez, stupid, stupid…

Okay! Enough of that kind of talk! Stay positive, Mark, just like the nice therapy man told you.

The thing about football is that everyone has their role to play. After all these years in the NFL, I feel fortunate to have found mine. I’m here for you Paxton, buddy!


We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.