After making pointed remarks at the Republican National Convention about his strong distaste for immigrants in this country, former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz urged the university to “do the right thing and change the mascot to The Fighting Assimilated.”

“Or at least the Fighting Border Guards, or the Fighting Cultural Integrationists,” helpfully offered Holtz. “And we can replace that leprechaun with an Irishman in a Santa suit who celebrates our holidays!”

Notre Dame has been known as the Fighting Irish for over a century, but Holtz believes it’s bad for the school and for the country to reward people who come here and do not bother to learn the language. He also fervently stated that he does not know, nor does he care to find out, what language Irish people in the United States speak. (They speak English.)

While Holtz’s anti-immigration rhetoric was reasonably expected at the RNC, his logical continuation surprised most in attendance.

“We are being invaded by immigrants,” said Holtz. “It’s time we give this country back to the Native Americans!”

Donald Trump and his entire staff, responded in unison, by saying, “Wait, what?”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.