Dizzang, dude, you’re suspending me for a whole a year? That’s way harsh, guy.

What am I supposed to do for ten months without swimming? I’m gonna miss like three different Olympics in that amount of time! This like totally suckity stanks, man.

I asked my coach why they’re doing this to me, but he was all, “Ryan, leave me alone, I’m with my family, we’re on vacation, how did you find me.” Haha classic coach prank.

He just told me to sit on a couch for ten straight months and see if I could hold my breath for an entire hour. He said it’s really good for my “lung capacity,” but I secretly think he just likes how I can’t talk while I’m holding my breath. But I’ll figure out a way! I always do. Like that time I figured out the twist of Stranger Things: you need to sign INTO Netflix to watch it!

Wait. I wonder if my swimming ban extends to Nintendo. Because if it doesn’t, I can just play Wii Swimming for the next ten months! Oh hellz yah! Best! Punishment! Ever!

Wow, I just did a complete 150 there, didn’t I?

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.