Fresh off being dropped from Speedo and other corporate relationships, embattled swimmer Ryan Lochte received some positive news yesterday, getting a 10-year endorsement deal from Papa Slappy’s Beer Bongs and Fake ID Emporium, right off Rte. 127.

“Yeah, that Lochte fella is what we’re all about here at Papa Slappy’s Beer Bongs and Fake ID Emporium,” said Charles Wennington, aka Papa Slappy from the commercials on Public Access. “He really embodies the spirit of Papa Slappy’s Beer Bongs and Fake ID Emporium, which is located just over the bridge past the abandoned Texaco station!”


Lochte’s deal reportedly includes a clause that allows him to choose between 24 million dollars in cash, or 46 million dollars-worth of fake IDs that he can then sell to up-and-coming swimmers and the many, many other high schoolers he’s close friends with.

Lochte was also offered a lucrative deal with No More Public Pee Pee Adult Diapers, but Lochte turned it down, citing, “You can’t keep the dragon in its cage, jeahhhhh! That’s five H’s at the end of that word. Yeah, write that down. Thanks, broham.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.