Awww jeah, baby. Who’s the #1-trending topic on Facebook now? Not Michael Phelps and his stupid 813 gold medals.
It’s Ryan Lochte. Number one! World champ, baby! Jeah!!!
Not Katie Ledecky for charming the world and dominating the freestyle events and setting unprecedented world records! Nope! It’s Old RL for lying about peeing on a gas station. My life is doooope!
Not Simone Manuel for becoming the first African-American woman to win a gold medal and inspiring millions in the process. It’s me! For saying a guy mugged me, when really, I just got totes drunk and bellidge and tried to kick down a bathroom door with my foot, dawg. I own so many pairs of sunglasses.
But I need to get serious here for a moment: if there’s one thing we learned from these Olympic Games, it’s that your consequences have actions. So next time they play the National Anthem, you better put your hand over your heart, Gabby Douglas.
Okay, I’m gonna ride my hoverboard into the ocean for no reason now! Bye!