Attempts by Rio police to summon Ryan Lochte to Brazil hit a snag this morning, when officers informed the accused swimmer that they had “subpoenas” for his arrest. Lochte has since refused to leave his home, utterly unable to catch his breath due to convulsive laughter.

“Hahahahaha, did that guy just say he has a ‘sub penis’ for me? What??? Dude!!!! You’re a police officer!!!!!” laughed Lochte. “Hahahahaha, sub penis. I gotta call everyone I’ve ever met and tell them. Hahaha. Am I on Candid Penis Camera? Haaaaaaa! Sub penis!”

Lochte’s attorney sternly explained to his client that this is no laughing matter, and that ignoring a foreign summons carries severe penalties, including fines and possible jail time. However, after a moment, the lawyer understood for the first time that “subpoenas” does indeed sound quite a lot like “sub penis,” and the two began howling on the floor together.

At this point, Lochte’s three accomplices from the night of the alleged mugging came over to his house to join the merriment. They were soon joined by Lochte’s college roommates, two guys who actually did mug Lochte in Rio but were paid off to keep quiet, and their neighbor named Cheese. They all found the term “subpoenas” to be equally hilarious.

When the laughter finally subsided after six tense hours, Lochte clutched his sore abdomen and said, “Oh I could really eat a chicken parm sub right now.” And then they laughed for another 11 days.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.