Hours after fulfilling his promise to bring a title to the championship-starved fans of Cleveland, NBA Finals MVP LeBron James announced that he is “taking his talents to Washington” in order to accomplish the same feat for the beleaguered Washington Generals supporters.

The Generals franchise has won a total of six games in its futile history, while losing approximately 13,000 games to rude and often unsportsmanlike teams featuring a rotating cast of basketball showboats.

“I’m going to defeat the Harlem Globetrotters,” promised LeBron after his Game 7 triple-double. “Then I’m going across the pond to learn soccer and win the Premier League for Swansea, and then I’ll come back to Cleveland to take over as quarterback for the Browns and win a Super Bowl or two or three or four or five as well.”

James will reportedly spend this summer learning archery, in hopes of finally bringing an end to the United States’ well-publicized 20-year Olympics gold medal drought in men’s individual competition.

James has been widely praised for showing great restraint in announcing his move to Washington, buying only two hours of national television time and full-page ads in only several Cleveland, New York, Chicago, Miami, and Washington DC publications.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.