Really? This is what’s become of cycling’s finest event? You’ve got cyclists straight up running on the course, inflatable tubes collapsing, and all kinds of other calamities. It’s a downright disgrace, and cyclists of my generation wouldn’t stand for it.

We had values. We wouldn’t stand for lunatics running onto the course. We wouldn’t stand for shoddy course infrastructure. And we damn sure wouldn’t stand for the widespread use of steroids and amphetamines. No-siree.

You might also be wondering: would we stand for injecting EPO directly into our bloodstreams on a regular basis? No way. Would we stand for mixing testosterone with cocaine and hoping for the best? What? That’s insane. Stop it.


While we’re at it, would we stand for meeting a yokel named Franz on the side of the mountain while he rubs lotion on us from a package labeled “NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION” in between stages? It was the ‘90s, after all. But no. No we would not.

Would we stand for siphoning the sweet traces of youth from a young child’s ears? Jesus. What are you trying to prove? Don’t be such a fucking narc, man.

We had standards. And the riders of today should, too. They should also try this new mix Alfredo put together called “Trixie Dust.” That shit will make you a machine! But it’s totally legal and fair. I promise.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.