First of all, I’d like to congratulate owner Clay Bennett and the Oklahoma City Thunder on coming within one game of eliminating the defending NBA champions, my Golden State Warriors. If we do in fact lose again, I want everyone in the Thunder organization, the Toronto Raptors organization, and the Cleveland Cavaliers to know: I already did kissing and sex stuff with this year’s championship trophy.

So to anyone who’s getting excited to hold that trophy, just be aware that I got all up in there. That’s right. Kissing, massaging, half-naked things, full-naked things, moves I learned on a Himalayan camping trip in the ‘70s, moves I learned on a Himalayan camping trip in the ‘80s – I’m telling you, the things I did with that trophy were intimate, romantic, and downright disgusting.

Me and my dirty girl. (Getty)

Me and my dirty girl. (Getty)

When you let Joey Lakes get anywhere near a hot-ass, gold-finished piece of hardware like that NBA Championship trophy, you better believe he’s going to turn down the lights, turn up the D’Angelo, and make that trophy glisten like it’s never glistened before.

Now I know what you’re thinking – ‘Joe, it’s totally acceptable for you to engage sexually with a trophy that your team’s already won, but this year’s trophy is still up for grabs!’ Well, guess what: I don’t care. If you earn the trophy, you can have it. I’ll wish the both of you well. But never forget: I was its first.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.