NBA players often discuss how their league is a brotherhood. When one player gets injured, everyone feels it. That’s why Celtics point guard Kyrie Irving visited his friend and teammate Gordon Hayward at Massachusetts General Hospital in order to list out the myriad ways he thinks Cleveland is a “sucky, terrible town.”

“After 8pm, there’s like nothing to do. I mean literally nothing,” Irving said, as Hayward moaned in pain but still nodded understandingly. “There’s bars, sure, but they’re all completely filled with a bunch of mouthbreathing Midwesterners. You can’t stand it for more than five minutes, honestly.”

According to reports, Hayward then surreptitiously pressed a call button to bring a nurse into the room, but Irving had already disabled the button because he just had so many other sub-topics of Cleveland awfulness to discuss.

Advertisement

“Don’t even get me started on their terrible food,” Irving said. “Seriously, google ‘staple foods of Cleveland.’ It’s like boiled hot dogs and dirty tap water and that’s it. Oh man, what a crap town.”

“Well, anyway, thanks for visiting me. This has been great,” Hayward said. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

Advertisement
We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.