Only a few days into retirement, Kobe Bryant is already applying his famous work ethic to making himself the best relaxer out of the game.

“I want to make myself the best I can be. It’s that simple,” said Bryant, wearing a luxurious bathrobe and holding a mug emblazoned with the slogan I don’t do Mondays. “I may not be the most talented or the most gifted relaxer out here, but I can make damn sure I’m the hardest working.”

Bryant has reportedly already instituted a grueling relaxation routine for himself. Each morning, he spends two hours kicking his feet up on the ottoman 50 times from every position on the couch. This is followed by a recovery regimen of massages, pedicures, and piña coladas by the pool.  

“I’m gonna need a new nickname, though. ‘Black Mamba’ is a little too intense,” mused Bryant. “What’s the chillest snake out there? I could be like ‘Lazy Python’ or ‘Pleased Garden Snake.’ I don’t know, I’ll think about it.”

The widely held view currently is that Bryant has a promising relaxation career ahead of him, perhaps on par with other greats like Magic Johnson or Michael Jordan.

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.