You think you’re such hot shit, Lionel Messi. Big whoop, you’ve scored 300 goals in “La Liga”.

Well guess what: I’ve scored 300 goals in a “Liga” of my own, and in my “Liga” (Westchester County U8 Co-Ed Soccer League), we don’t have your fancy, netted, seven-meter-wide goals – we have to aim between a couple flimsy orange cones spread a few feet apart.

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

Scared? You should be.

Scared? You should be.

Scoring 300 goals must be easy when you’ve got teammates like Luis Suarez attracting defenders’ attentions. You know who’s on my team? Tommy. The kid who wipes his boogers on flowers and brings them to his mother as a gift.

Scoring 300 goals must be easy when you get to fuel up on Barcelona’s finest paella before every game. You know what my mom feeds me? PB&J. An orange, if I’m lucky.

Scoring 300 goals must be pretty damn easy when you’ve got 12 seasons to do it. You know how long it took me to reach 300? Two games. Granted, I scored most of those goals when the blue team’s goalie got an owie on his shin and I just kicked the ball through the cones over and over until the referee told me to stop – but alas, I digress.

Watch out, Messi. I’m coming for you.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.