Injured Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw has elected to perform his own back surgery, citing concerns that no doctor in the world has his degree of control or precision required.

“My left arm is my livelihood,” Kershaw said. “I can’t risk it on some fly-by-night ‘doctor’ who has performed ‘hundreds of similar surgeries’ in his ‘career.'”

Though training for surgeons typically requires four years of medical school, followed by at least a five-year residency, Kershaw was able to achieve staggering proficiency during his first two weeks on the disabled list.


“I didn’t have much baseball to play, so I watched a couple youtube videos and borrowed a few textbooks,” Kershaw noted. “Hey, it’s no harder than throwing a 94-mile per hour slider over the outside corner to strike out Anthony Rizzo, which I can also do.”

Kershaw is prepared to do the first 90% of the surgery or so, before handing the scalpel and sutures to Kenley Jansen to finish up.

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