My best friend and business manager Jose Bautista, whom I trust implicitly for financial (and also friendship) advice, told me to finally sack up and ask my boss at Quiznos for my fair market value of 12 million dollars per year well into my mid-thirties.

I’m gonna be honest: I was hesitant at first. After all, a million bucks a month was a pretty big raise from my previous salary of working three nights a week at $10.50 per hour.

But the other day, I was wrapping up my final Baja Chicken Sub (no tomatoes!) and it finally hit me. I have been vastly underpaid for my entire six year stint at this particular Suffolk County, NY, franchise location. It was about darn time that I finally asked for what I was worth.

TORONTO, ON - OCTOBER 14:  Jose Bautista #19 of the Toronto Blue Jays watches after he he hits a three-run home run in the seventh inning against the Texas Rangers in game five of the American League Division Series at Rogers Centre on October 14, 2015 in Toronto, Canada.  (Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)

Jose watching my market value skyrocket (Getty)


So I walked right up to Jessie, the night manager (who is actually pretty cool, by the way. He smoked me up a few times last summer when I was depressed about getting dumped by my longterm girlfriend.), and I said, “Jessie, I am a good employee. I know my value, and I know the value of other sandwich makers in the area. Here’s my number, and I am not negotiating.”

Jessie, to his credit, did let me finish my sentence before he started cracking up and handed me two filled garbage bags to bring to the dumpster.

The next day, I got a call from corporate that they were raising my pay to $11.15 an hour, and they were considering me for an assistant management position, if one opens up. That really felt good, honestly.

But nothing felt as good as those seven seconds before Jessie laughed me out of the restaurant. For those seven seconds, I was a millionaire.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.