Why, San Diego Chargers? Why’d it have to come to this? You didn’t have to lowball me. You didn’t have to call me out in the press. I’m really not asking for much – I just want to get paid as much as I made at Ohio State.

What, why are you looking at me like that? It just doesn’t make sense for a 21-year-old to take a pay cut from his previous job, you know? I don’t see why that’s so crazy. This is how career trajectories work: you make some money in high school, you make more money in college, and you make even more money in the NFL. Get with it!

Sorry, hold on a second, I’m getting a call. Whattup, it’s Joey B! Yes, speaking. Who is this, please? Investi-what now? Listen, I don’t have time for your inquiries or bylaws, Mr. Enceedubblay. And for what it’s worth, your name is ridiculous. Bye, bro.

God, prank calls piss me off so much. Where were we? Right, right, the contract. Like I said, I just want the same as my salary at Ohio State. I’ve even taken the liberty of making copies of every paycheck I ever received while playing there – here you go! Just match that exact amount, and we’re good.

One question though – will you guys help me with my classwork too?

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.