With one of the most talented rosters in baseball, Cubs manager and overall chillaxifying dude Joe Maddon is worried only about thing: the astrological make-up of his team.

“You’re gonna hear a lot of stories this time of year about guys getting labeled ‘clubhouse Cancers,’ fairly or not,” Maddon said between flute solos at his nightly bonfire. “I say bring it on. We’ve got a surplus of clubhouse Capricorns.”


Cubs stars Jon Lester and Kris Bryant, both January babies, provide the ambition and determination associated with clubhouse Capricorns. However, only Miguel Montero gives the team its cancerous creativity and loyalty.

“I may mess with line-ups, but I will never mess around with astrological karma,” Maddon added. “Unless the mood strikes me, in which case I might.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.