“I believe in data. Sabermetrics. Stats. Hard numbers that either back-up or refute any decisions I make. It’s how I’ve built my very successful career as a baseball tactician,” said Cubs manager Joe Maddon, cowering from his knees at the Santa’s Village Azoosment Park in East Dundee, IL.

“Some teams win, some teams lose. Sometimes the ball bounces your way, sometimes it doesn’t. Luck, destiny, fate, omens, curses? All that stuff is baloney. Give me two good starting pitchers over a curse any day of the week,” Maddon added, as he lit 100 candles in a circle around Bryce the Billy Goat’s enclosure, per the instructions of the haedine apparition who spoke to him in a dream the previous night in a language that only he could understand, for he was the Chosen.

“The fans are tense, but we just need to play our game, and keep doing what we did all year to make us the successful ballclub that we are,” sobbed Maddon, appealing to the spirits of Aegragus Valhalla, where the non-corporeal entities of former Billy Goats, Pygmy Goats, and Alpine Ibexes prance free and ruin six months every year for millions of Chicago residents.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.