As Tom Brady prepares to start another season for the New England Patriots, reports from within Gillette Stadium now confirm that back-up quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo has, in a controversial move, been named first-string on the team’s handsomeness depth chart.
Teammates have largely been supportive of the second-year pro, with wide receiver Danny Amendola noting, “Tom’s the kind of handsome you bring home to meet your family, but Jimmy. He’s motorcycle-ride-in-the-country handsome.”
The usually reserved Bill Belichick was uncharacteristically effusive in his praise of Garoppolo’s handsomeness in a prepared statement: “Jimmy has been getting it done, both hairline-wise and dimple-wise for us all pre-season.”
According to several accounts, Belichick then proceeded to crumple up his statement, saying, “Those eyes, though. Have you seen them? No, but I mean, like, in person. For real, though.”
This marks a significant change for New England, an organization long-heralded for its stability at handsomeness since 2001. During that span, Brady won four Handsomeness Championships and was named Magnificently Visaged Player twice.
UPDATE: Reports are now indicating that the thud you just heard was 6.4 million Massachusetts residents falling into a collective swoon when Garoppolo was shown warming up on on TV.