J.J. Watt has never missed a game, and even though he was devoured whole by a whale this morning, he isn’t going to miss one now.

“Football is a game that you just gotta get out there and play,” Watt said from inside the belly of the leviathan. “It doesn’t matter if you get swallowed alive by some dumb, gigantic fish. If you let that get in your way, you’re a chump.”


Apparently, Watt was on a morning fishing excursion in the Gulf of Mexico with his father, John, when a rogue wave knocked him out of the boat. Though they are not native to the Gulf, a sperm whale apparently snapped him right up. He is now somewhere in the whale’s gastro-intestinal system, which is larger than some New York apartments.

“Sometimes things happen. You gotta just play through the distractions,” Watt continued, as he sloshed past half-digested krill. “Tom Brady, you better look out,” he added.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.