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Brazilian water polo player Josip Vrlić’s penis took over 93 punches in a span of 4 grueling minutes, but somehow still looks like a penis.

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Nikola Jakšić of Serbia managed to make it a full 8 seconds into a match before his penis got crushed between four opponents’ fists.

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Australia’s Joe Kayes nearly got separated from his penis during a maneuver called ‘penis tugging,’ which is just as excruciating as it is perfectly legal in international water polo.

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Superstar Márton Szivós will head back to his native Hungary with three penises, two of which did not belong to him merely one week ago.

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Japan’s Yusuke Shimizu injured his penis one hour before his first match when a jaguar came out of the Amazon rainforest looking to bite a person’s penis, and he happened to be standing there.

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One anonymous member of Team USA had his penis relentlessly massacred every minute he was in the pool, but fortunately, that’s his fetish.

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Sorry, we miscounted. Only six penises survived these Olympic Games.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.