Brazilian water polo player Josip Vrlić’s penis took over 93 punches in a span of 4 grueling minutes, but somehow still looks like a penis.


Nikola Jakšić of Serbia managed to make it a full 8 seconds into a match before his penis got crushed between four opponents’ fists.


Australia’s Joe Kayes nearly got separated from his penis during a maneuver called ‘penis tugging,’ which is just as excruciating as it is perfectly legal in international water polo.


Superstar Márton Szivós will head back to his native Hungary with three penises, two of which did not belong to him merely one week ago.


Japan’s Yusuke Shimizu injured his penis one hour before his first match when a jaguar came out of the Amazon rainforest looking to bite a person’s penis, and he happened to be standing there.


One anonymous member of Team USA had his penis relentlessly massacred every minute he was in the pool, but fortunately, that’s his fetish.


Sorry, we miscounted. Only six penises survived these Olympic Games.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.