All eyes in San Antonio are on local pizzeria Big Nick’s, as a friendly team dinner devolved into a crisis. Dozens of roped-off onlookers craned their necks as local police surrounded the restaurant, preparing an entrance strategy that would minimize casualties.

“What we’ve got here are two highly-driven individuals who are unaccustomed to things not going their way,” said San Antonio police chief William McManus. “This is some of the most aggressively polite behavior I’ve seen in my 37 years on the force.”

Witnesses report that the slice is either plain or sausage, while several accounts swear the the slice in question is tomato basil. The number and nature of the toppings, however, should not affect police action.

“15 hungry athletes, they got eight pizzas for the lot of them,” said store owner Nicholas “Big Nick” DiCenzo. “Things were going fine, everyone seemed satisfied, and then this happened. Tragic.”

San Antonio Action News Channel 11 correspondent Gordon Deng interviewed Spurs coach Gregg Popovich about the standoff, with each question respectively receiving one word answers of “Spacing,” “Challenge,” and “Absolutely.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.