So, you know that scene in Deadpool, when they just mess with Ryan Reynolds in every conceivable way to see if his DNA will mutate or something?

After seeing that new Under Armour ad, I think we can all agree that that’s exactly what those executives have been doing to poor Michael Phelps since he was 11 years old.

The freezing cold baths.

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 12.32.31 PM

The boiling hot massage treatment.

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 10.15.37 AM

The eerie forced isolation.

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 10.13.28 AM

(It’s called a swim team. There can be other people in the pool, guys.)

And then what about this freaking chamber that is literally a prop from the movie Deadpool. 

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 10.14.55 AM
Seriously, though. Does this look like the face of a man who is okay?

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 10.15.18 AM

No, not it does not.

All this time, I thought Michael Phelps was a true American hero for winning twice as many Olympic gold medals as anyone else in world history. This whole time, I had no idea he was the subject of some sick experimentation by these creepers straight out of The Purge.

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 10.16.24 AM

I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this, Michael. I hope you get the girlfriend that Under Armor kidnapped safe and sound very soon.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.