The International Olympic Committee has decided that the games are nowhere near rad enough to include parkour.

“Unfortunately, our ancient games are not currently dope enough for parkour. But maybe one day, maybe one sick-ass day…” said president Thomas Bach, trailing off as he looked wistfully into the distance.

Parkour, also known as freerunning, is a super gnarly sport on the rise. Its popularity among bored suburban teenagers makes it an appealing target for the Olympic Committee, if only they can first make the games more righteous.

“We certainly don’t want to lose a sport as ill-nasty as parkour to the X-Games,” said Bach. “Missing out on skateboarding has been a disaster, and we were lucky to get a piece of snowboarding.”

Another problem is that it’s impossible to parkour without first drinking a big-ass Red Bull or Monster energy drink, which would violate the very un-chill-ass Olympic rules.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.