Hey what’s up, all you crazy yahoos currently hacking into the Yahoo internal system.
I hope you’re really enjoying reading the emails I sent to my 8th grade crush in 1997, as well as the blog posts from 1998 lamenting how my middle school crush never emails me back.
But say, while you’re fiddling around in there, would you mind having a crack at fixing my embarrassingly shitty fantasy football team?
See, I’m that guy in my group of friends who “knows about sports.” I watch games, I read articles, and I talk about sports with some air of authority. And for many, particularly my mocking friends, this baseline level of knowledge implies some sort of magical ability to draft players who will not get injured and/or predict when some highly-touted wide receiver is going to randomly decide to shit the bed.
My fantasy team is, to use a technical term, a giant dumpster fire. I will celebrate if we crack 75 points this week. Seriously, I’m thinking of starting “Browns Mystery Man” at quarterback.
Come on, dudes. You’re hackers. Maybe you can hack my league and win it for me? Just give me Aaron Rodgers, Gronk, Diggs, and whoever else you think will help me dominate. I’ll split the profits with you 80-20. But I’m not giving you my bank account information, you scallywags! Haha, you guys.
Also, if you happen see an email in there from Stephanie@tedkennedymiddleschool.com, please tell her I said ‘what up’ and that I’m doing really well, as evidenced by my recent dominant fantasy football performance.
We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.