I know, I know, Michael Phelps is happily engaged, blah blah blah.

Yes, fine, he’s not going to have a child with Katie Ledecky just because (we can all agree that) it would be so neat to see if they can create a superbaby who will win 50 gold medals every four years from 2032 to 2052.

But all I’m saying is… what if they did? Because even just me theoretically putting that idea out into the universe caused Martina Ledecky-Phelps to win 9 gold medals at the Junior Olympics. I don’t know how, but you can google it for yourself. World records in every event.

[BTW: we hypothetically named her Martina after former tennis star Martina Navratilova, because we imagine she’ll probably win at least 40 tennis Grand Slams as well when she comes of age. You think the daughter of Katie Ledecky and Michael Phelps will be contained to dominating one sport? LOL.]

Phelps and Ledecky both have the heart of a champion. But Martina will have the hearts of two champions. Doctors are currently looking into whether or not it’s safe to compete with two hearts. By the time they figure it out, Martina Ledecky-Phelps-Coughlin-Spitz (we injected her with the platelets and blood of two other American swimming legends, ya know, for kicks) will have won 11 more gold medals.

Why isn’t this a thing, America? Let’s make superswimbabies! Russia engineered the perfect boxer in Rocky IV, and everything ended up great for Russia because I turned it off midway through so I could watch Ledecky and Phelps rack up more gold medals. USA! USA! USA!

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.