USWNT goalie Hope Solo is taking no chances when it comes to the Zika virus, becoming the first American Olympian in history to earn a shutout from inside a cumbersome mosquito net.

Fortunately for Solo, Team USA’s overmatched opponent was unable to put any shots on net (meaning soccer net, not mosquito net, although they didn’t have any shots on her mosquito net either, wow this could get confusing), something that may not continue during the later rounds. But Solo will not risk a deadly virus for the fleeting glory of an Olympic gold medal.

“We won the World Cup like five minutes ago,” Solo explained. “I just don’t understand why everyone else on the team — Carli Lloyd, Alex Morgan — isn’t out there tripping over the lifesaving pajama netting dresses while destroying fools 5-0.”

For upcoming games, Solo has resolved to replace all goalposts with fragrant Citronella candles. She considered switching to a beekeepers’ uniform for increased mobility, but she was scared people might think she was into fencing. She’s not.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.