Such an example you’re setting for your children, Jacob.

We’re in the middle of a beautiful family dinner, discussing our hopes and dreams for the coming year 5776, and your eyes are planted squarely on a glowing rectangle below the beautiful brisket Aunt Fran and I prepared.

Not to mention that I unplugged the router at sundown, so who knows how much cellular data you’ve been using on this, a high holiday!

Uncle Steven drove all the way from Nyack for this, Jacob.

Fortunately, Yom Kippur falls on a Wednesday this year, so we won’t have this problem again.

Wait.


Did I just hear Al Michaels say that Eli Manning threw an incomplete pass with 1:37 left in the fourth quarter to stop the clock even though the Cowboys are out of timeouts? What was he thinking? Eli is usually such a good boy!

No matter. Cousin Alyssa was just telling us how she’s thinking of declaring a major soon, and —

Wait.

Did Collinsworth just say Romo marched the team down inside the Giants’ Red Zone?

That’s it! Everybody grab your plates! We’re eating in the den.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.