Rumors state that high school English and language arts teacher Leonard Ford of Gainesville, Florida, has impressed the athletic department so much that he might just be the school’s next shitty track coach this spring.

Ford can often be seen jogging to school in 1980s shorts, often resting his hand on telephone poles for support while he stretches his quadriceps. Bystanders have reported that doing so is often accompanied by a barbaric “ohhhhyaaahhhh” sound.

Ford came in fourth at Districts his senior year of high school in the 800 meters, after which he attempted unsuccessfully to walk on to his Division III college’s track team.

Current members of the track team have overheard Ford referring to the shot put as “the tiny bowling ball” and the javelin as “Ol’ Stabby.”

If there is a silver lining to the inevitable losing season Ford is set to lead, it is that the $90 stipend he will receive for coaching the team means that he will be able to keep his classroom stocked with chalk and notebook paper at least through the end of March.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.