After enjoying a season-opening victory over the Steelers in which he scored three touchdowns, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has decided to score “three or four or one of the bigger numbers” touchdowns in all games moving forward.

“Did you see that? When I scored? People cheered so loud!” enthused Gronkowski from his custom Party Hummer. “And then when I scored again, people cheered again! I love that. More of that, please!!!”

After the impromptu sunroof press conference, Gronkowski took careful time to review my journalistic notes and add exclamation points in locations he found them to be lacking.


“Put one there! And put one there! And put five of them there!!!!!” he said. “Exclamation points are the touchdowns of diacritical marks. J.K., I know they’re punctuation marks. We won tonight!”

Gronkowski noted that in certain circumstances — namely, when the Patriots win by margins of more than 7 points — he will be donating all of his excess touchdowns to charity. We don’t know what that means either.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.