According a shocking report, Duke point guard Grayson Allen was that guy who wears a cape on campus before basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski mercifully took him in and taught him the game of basketball.

“Every college has one,” Coach K told the Duke’s campus newspaper The Chronicle. “But when I saw him, attempting to hit on coeds by showing off his Magic the Gathering card collection, I just had to step in.”

Krzyzewski went on to teach Allen the fundamentals of dribbling, passing, shooting, and not wearing capes to classes and dining halls.

“He took to the exercises very quickly, like a fish to not wearing a cape,” Allen’s proud coach said. “Now if I can just get him to stop trying to get everyone to watch his close-up magic routines during practice, we might have a shot at the [NCAA] Tournament.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.