NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continued his crackdown on performance enhancing substances by preemptively suspending tennis star Maria Sharapova for six games, in the event that she switches sports, earns a tryout with an NFL team, and makes its regular season roster.

“Today is a good day for fairness in competition,” Goodell announced at his monthly Suspension Presser. “You cannot fail a drug test anywhere in the world and expect not to have the swift hammer of Shield Justice come down on you like Thor’s Mjölnir from Valhalla.”


Goodell went on to suspend the Warriors’ Steph Curry three games for shimmying (if he decides to play football), the Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin two games for maintaining a dirty gym bag (if he decides to play football), and Westminster Dog Show Champion CJ for life because he is a dog (if he decides to become human and play football).

Sharapova would be the first woman ever to play in the NFL, something she has never publicly announced she was remotely interested in doing. However, sources close to Sharapova have leaked information that she definitely has no interest in pursuing a violent male sport that she has never played before.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.