Fresh off another extended stint on the disabled list, Miami Marlins slugger Giancarlo Stanton smacked a 131,355,201-foot home run that traveled around the Earth at such a velocity that it returned to Marlins Park and shattered Stanton’s clavicle.

“I think I can play through it,” the tough outfielder said, as he used a wooden spoon to pry out the baseball embedded in his sternum. “If they make me sit again, I’m gonna actually punch someone through a concrete wall.”


Team doctors have advised Stanton not to swing a bat until his clavicle fully heals, for fear of re-injuring himself further. Determined to help his team make a playoff push, Stanton will now attempt to hit home runs simply by staring angrily at pitchers, who will voluntarily turn and throw the ball over the fence.

“Hey, you know something? I actually feel fine,” said Stanton, as a home run he hit two weeks ago finally landed from orbit and created a hairline fracture in his skull. “Goddammit,” Stanton added.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.